I had dedicated an earlier article to domestic abuse. The following article is an off-shoot of the same and has been researched on and written by Kavitha Shankar, an undergraduate student of psychology. ‘Problematic children’ is a term used to refer to children with behavioural problems or disturbances. There could be a list of reasons that could make a child “problematic”. Kavitha has taken a unique stand on the subject and has been kind enough to share her thoughts with us.
‘As K. Heath has beautifully remarked on the importance of parenting,
‘Kids are like the mirror, what they see and hear they do. Be a good reflection for them’.
Parenting is a lifelong process, we must be as committed to it as we are today, to work or a Netflix series. But when we say commitment, it should not be mistaken for commitment for the sake of doing a job, it’s a commitment to a responsibility we want to undertake and more importantly love to be a part of.
Today, with the spike in the rates of children and adolescents suffering from debilitating mental health conditions, it becomes extremely crucial to investigate the causes behind it.
Research reveals that most children suffering from these conditions come from disturbed family background or impoverished environment. So can we then say that there are no problem children but problem parents?
I take a stand for the motion. Parenting plays a pivotal role in the development of a child and a flaw in the process can have detrimental effects on the child at a later stage. Parents or primary caregivers are the primary agents of socialization for children. What they do and say is what the children often observe and imbibe. Many parents use abusive forms of punishment when the child goes wrong, lose their temper over small issues and hit the child. This more often than not shatters the child from within. Even subtle remarks, like ‘You are incapable of not doing well, it’s impossible for you to fail’ makes the child believe that failure is not an option and when at some point they do, the lack of support from family brings a dip to their self-esteem. Authoritative form of parenting where the parents use the do as I say or else principle shuns the child’s curiosity and as they grow, they will begin to simply comply when asked to, they’ll live in fear or become extremely rebellious and impulsive, undertaking actions they otherwise would not have. Each of these instances are forms of abuse and when experienced over long periods of time they can make you emotionally vulnerable and mentally exhausted even if not leading to a so-called serious mental condition. Children brought up in this kind of household more often than not have lowered self esteem mostly because they have never been appreciated enough for what they’ve achieved but have been criticized for the errors they make so much so that they begin internalizing the negative attributions that family throw at them and take it to be true about themselves. They stay quiet or go all out without having any form of parental support to fall to, they may become over critical and self depreciate not viewing themselves worthy of anything.
One might argue that parents are not the only influencers in the child’s life and they may, in fact, develop peer groups at later stages that play as important a role in their life. That’s quite true considering the numerous instances where peer pressure leads to depression, suicide but then again would it have happened if they had strong parental support and knew that they could reach out to them? WHO predicts that worldwide 10-20% of children and adolescents experience mental disorders. Half of all mental illnesses begin by the age of 14 and three-quarters by mid-20s. This is a stage where children are most suggestible and very much likely to be influenced by peers but the question is would they fall to their parents if actions concerning their group get them into trouble? Would they be free to share? Many a time they may not receive the comfortable space at home and thus begin to undertake actions that enable them to garner acceptance from their peers. It can also be argued that parents are not perfect and placing the responsibility of flawless parenting on them is near to impossible. They are humans too and will make mistakes along the way. Blaming them for what the child grows to become is not the right thing to do. That is true and I definitely do believe that there is no perfect parenting, no right kind either and making mistakes along the way is absolutely allowed but what’s important is to realize that it is and take corrective action. Believing that you’re always right and cannot go wrong and doing the wrong that you do in the name of doing them for the child’s good is not right either. Parents are also learning in the process of parenting and learning involves making mistakes and keeping yourself open to changes, the methods of parenting used at one point in time may not fit in with the child of the current generation so learning and re-learning is a continuous process in this journey and if parenting lacks that, it becomes problematic and a matter of concern.
One may say that not all mental health conditions are caused due to imperfect parenting. Conditions like ASD, Schizophrenia have genetic components as well and questioning parenting in these cases could, in fact, be considered highly insensitive. I wouldn’t disagree completely but mental health conditions must be studied from nature versus nurture perspective which states that both the environment and the genetic factors have equally an important role to play when it comes to the development of a mental health condition. Even if conditions like ASD and Schizophrenia are not results of bad parenting, strong parental support can definitely aid the child in coping with the condition better. Parenting can be difficult and taxing. The feeling of negative emotions in the process is justified and even okay but channelizing that negativity towards the child is putting a child’s future at stake which cannot be justified.
I would like to conclude by saying that parenting is a job where the growth and flourishment of your child is the incentive. It gives you the liberty to mould a child so we must take an effort in the right direction to bring up a generation where mental illness is not stigmatized, failures are accompanied with realistic encouragement and positive feedback. Thank you.’
Mind it?! 