Author: Sreya Chattopadhyay

I dream of living in a world where people don't have to fight so hard to be accepted the way they are.

Art of hopeful thinking

I think speaking hopefully is an art. It’s a skill that is developed through turning tragedies into wisdom and optimism over and over again. It’s like an iron forged in fires that keep burning endlessly. Thinking of a hopeful future in a life filled with grief and worry and in a world often tortured by unkind acts is in itself an act of rebellion and, therefore, by nature, a work of art.

We find ourselves burdened by a future that may never appear and blanketed by a past we can never go back to. To think of a life where each day is not a battle for survival is an act of love and hope. It’s an interesting thing, this hope. Regardless of whether the outcome is what we wish for, it has the tremendous power of getting us into action. And, at the end of the day, action is what keeps us grounded to our present, to where we are in our physical realities – with 5 things to see, 4 things to touch, 3 things to hear, 2 things to smell and 1 thing to taste. Sorry, old habits die hard. 

Speaking of habits, the art of hopeful thinking can often be turned into a habit; just the same way, if we’re not mindful enough, pessimistic thinking (or more colloquially popular as the ‘we’re fucked’ mindset) can become one. What we do often becomes a habit, and what becomes a habit becomes a part of who we are. Neurologically speaking, anything we repeat causes our neural pathways in our brains to become stronger, and the stronger a neural pathway is for any action or line of thought/ perspective, the more likely we are to do it as a response to the things around us. 

I often write about hope and love and art, but I rarely read about any of those ideas willingly. Give me a suspense thriller with a gruesome crime, and I will inhale the story in a day; give me a love story where the two people build a life together with meaningful conversations and healthy behaviours, and it will take me years to get through the first 3 pages. Which is ironic, because I don’t think I admire anything in life as much as I do love and hope and kindness and art, and yet I cannot bring myself to read stories that may actually feed my neural pathways with healthier content. Which probably explains why I need to put in additional efforts of affirming to myself that I am safe and cherished, and keep my mind from coming up with multiple gory scenarios with complex plotlines and hateful subplots for the things that happen during the day in my life. Hey, you’ve got to give credit to the level of creative thinking that my brain engages in within such short bursts of time! There is a reason I bring this up, which is that we often consume content without filtering what we see partially because on social media or even movies and books, we don’t get to decide what’s out there, and our choice is limited to what already exists, and partially because it takes too much mental energy. Which brings me back to my earlier point about what we repeat, we do naturally, and what we do becomes who we are. I mean, what an original thought, right? 

So going back to hopeful thinking, if we become what we do and what we do is shaped by what we repeat, perhaps it is vital to repeat actions that bring value to our lives. And I’m just not talking about eating healthy and moving our bodies, but I am also talking about how we talk to ourselves about our own lives. I suppose the point I am trying to make is that maybe things are going to get better because I will act better because I will think better, and eventually I would not have to put in so much effort to think better because it would become a part of who I am and the life I live. And perhaps that is what would make me an artist.

Let’s take a dive (not literally)

For the last few months every time I thought about my blog, I’ve felt guilty about how inconsistent I’ve been. I can come up with a million excuses to explain why but the one main reason holding me back was guilt. The guilt of not doing something I had promised myself – the guilt of not writing about the mind and more specifically mental health to help at least one person out there who reads my articles and feels a little less alone – made me avoid taking even the least effort of logging onto the site. There have been more times than I can count when I  have thought about shutting the site down because no one cares about this. (P.S. Read: I didn’t put in the necessary effort.)

You see, I was wrong. My number of readers dropped from 162 in 2018 to 92 in  2019; but hey, this is what happens when procrastination, self-doubt and other things take the wheel and leave you in the passenger’s seat. I know the numbers aren’t large but the way I see it, it’s at least better than not having any at all.

I apologise for this and for the gaps I have been leaving in the narrative.

So what brought me back? You did not ask but I’m going to tell you anyway because why not! 😛

Well, you see, I was in a bit of a rough patch by the end of last year and start of this year because moving to a different country to study took a toll on my life, especially the social aspect. I started losing friends and interest in the things I generally enjoyed but more importantly, I started losing my sense of self. I was lucky enough to get help available at the time I needed it the most and taking it has been my best decision of 2019. I apologise to all those I’ve made uncomfortable in my attempt to feel a little less alone and a little less bitter about being away from my family and friends, but I am equally grateful to those who stuck around. Thank you for believing in me and not letting me wallow in self-pity. :’)

Moving on, with my mental health at a much better place than it was a year ago, I decided to “get back in the game”, mostly because there’s something I have been meaning to write about for a while now.

Did you know, as per the World Health Organization, India ranks 19th in the world for its suicide rate, while the U.S. stands at the 34th rank and the U.K. at the 109th from a list of 183 countries from around the globe?  For some more interesting figures and statistics on suicide rates around the world, feel free to  click the following link:

https://web.archive.org/web/20180213073509/http://apps.who.int/gho/data/view.main.MHSUICIDEASDRv?lang=en

This is what I thought after reading the report (bear in mind that it was last updated in 2017 so that data may have changed), –

‘THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE DYING FOR A REASON OTHER THAN PHYSICAL HEALTH FAILURE!’

And would you like to know what is scarier?

Suicide is the most common cause of death for individuals belonging to the age range of 15 to 39 years.

Ever thought, why?

I am aware that people feel uncomfortable talking about death and even more uncomfortable when it’s suicide that becomes the topic of focus. But let’s talk about it today. Let’s talk about it now.

One of the main causes of suicide is poor mental health. Mental health problems don’t discriminate when they affect people. They are present and continue to affect people from every section of the society whether they are given the due acknowledgement or not.

Poor mental health could be a result of stress, major life events such as loss of a loved one, loneliness, dissatisfaction at places of education or work, and/  or a number of other causes but you get the idea. We don’t know what affects someone and why but what we do know is that there is always help available. If not you, there is someone else who is willing and capable of providing the necessary help and support to someone who is suffering from emotional distress. The least we can do for an individual who is hurting is to not dismiss their thoughts and feelings as unimportant or temporary.

What else can we do to help? I’m glad you asked! 😉

We can listen to the person and encourage them to share their thoughts and express how they feel without presenting them with our opinion on their problems. Sometimes people require just a listening ear than a piece of active advice. But hey, don’t forget to take time out for yourself and your life activities when you offer to support someone who is hurting.

If we feel uncomfortable being the listener, due to whatever reason, we can refer them to someone else who we think is better equipped to provide the required help. This not only reduces the pressure from us to be always available to someone who needs a listener but also guides them towards getting professional help which could be exactly what they feel they need.

A very common statement that comes to focus at this point is that sometimes, going to a psychologist or a psychiatrist can be highly expensive, which is a very fair and valid point considering the fact that the therapist to client ratio is highly uneven.

Here’s some good news! There are community centres and online organizations that provide free mental health support.  All it takes to get help is to reach out in the right direction. Google searching nearby mental health facilities and support groups, and asking your physician are the easiest ways to gain access to it. It is important to remember that when people feel suicidal or commit suicide, they do not necessarily want to end their life, they want to end the pain. And as citizens of the global community, the least we can do to make the world a better place is just help ease that pain by just being there, as nothing more than a friend, a fellow human being.

 

To end?

BE KIND; IT DOES SAVE LIVES.

There are no problem children, only problem parents!

I had dedicated an earlier article to domestic abuse. The following article is an off-shoot of the same and has been researched on and written by Kavitha Shankar, an undergraduate student of psychology. ‘Problematic children’ is a term used to refer to children with behavioural problems or disturbances. There could be a list of reasons that could make a child “problematic”. Kavitha has taken a unique stand on the subject and has been kind enough to share her thoughts with us.

‘As K. Heath has beautifully remarked on the importance of parenting,

‘Kids are like the mirror, what they see and hear they do. Be a good reflection for them’.

Parenting is a lifelong process, we must be as committed to it as we are today, to work or a Netflix series. But when we say commitment, it should not be mistaken for commitment for the sake of doing a job, it’s a commitment to a responsibility we want to undertake and more importantly love to be a part of.

Today, with the spike in the rates of children and adolescents suffering from debilitating mental health conditions, it becomes extremely crucial to investigate the causes behind it.

Research reveals that most children suffering from these conditions come from disturbed family background or impoverished environment. So can we then say that there are no problem children but problem parents?

I take a stand for the motion. Parenting plays a pivotal role in the development of a child and a flaw in the process can have detrimental effects on the child at a later stage. Parents or primary caregivers are the primary agents of socialization for children. What they do and say is what the children often observe and imbibe. Many parents use abusive forms of punishment when the child goes wrong, lose their temper over small issues and hit the child. This more often than not shatters the child from within. Even subtle remarks, like ‘You are incapable of not doing well, it’s impossible for you to fail’ makes the child believe that failure is not an option and when at some point they do, the lack of support from family brings a dip to their self-esteem. Authoritative form of parenting where the parents use the do as I say or else principle shuns the child’s curiosity and as they grow, they will begin to simply comply when asked to, they’ll live in fear or become extremely rebellious and impulsive, undertaking actions they otherwise would not have. Each of these instances are forms of abuse and when experienced over long periods of time they can make you emotionally vulnerable and mentally exhausted even if not leading to a so-called serious mental condition. Children brought up in this kind of household more often than not have lowered self esteem mostly because they have never been appreciated enough for what they’ve achieved but have been criticized for the errors they make so much so that they begin internalizing the negative attributions that family throw at them and take it to be true about themselves. They stay quiet or go all out without having any form of parental support to fall to, they may become over critical and self depreciate not viewing themselves worthy of anything.

One might argue that parents are not the only influencers in the child’s life and they may, in fact, develop peer groups at later stages that play as important a role in their life. That’s quite true considering the numerous instances where peer pressure leads to depression, suicide but then again would it have happened if they had strong parental support and knew that they could reach out to them? WHO predicts that worldwide 10-20% of children and adolescents experience mental disorders. Half of all mental illnesses begin by the age of 14 and three-quarters by mid-20s. This is a stage where children are most suggestible and very much likely to be influenced by peers but the question is would they fall to their parents if actions concerning their group get them into trouble? Would they be free to share? Many a time they may not receive the comfortable space at home and thus begin to undertake actions that enable them to garner acceptance from their peers. It can also be argued that parents are not perfect and placing the responsibility of flawless parenting on them is near to impossible. They are humans too and will make mistakes along the way. Blaming them for what the child grows to become is not the right thing to do. That is true and I definitely do believe that there is no perfect parenting, no right kind either and making mistakes along the way is absolutely allowed but what’s important is to realize that it is and take corrective action. Believing that you’re always right and cannot go wrong and doing the wrong that you do in the name of doing them for the child’s good is not right either. Parents are also learning in the process of parenting and learning involves making mistakes and keeping yourself open to changes, the methods of parenting used at one point in time may not fit in with the child of the current generation so learning and re-learning is a continuous process in this journey and if parenting lacks that, it becomes problematic and a matter of concern.

One may say that not all mental health conditions are caused due to imperfect parenting. Conditions like ASD, Schizophrenia have genetic components as well and questioning parenting in these cases could, in fact, be considered highly insensitive. I wouldn’t disagree completely but mental health conditions must be studied from nature versus nurture perspective which states that both the environment and the genetic factors have equally an important role to play when it comes to the development of a mental health condition. Even if conditions like ASD and Schizophrenia are not results of bad parenting, strong parental support can definitely aid the child in coping with the condition better. Parenting can be difficult and taxing. The feeling of negative emotions in the process is justified and even okay but channelizing that negativity towards the child is putting a child’s future at stake which cannot be justified.

I would like to conclude by saying that parenting is a job where the growth and flourishment of your child is the incentive. It gives you the liberty to mould a child so we must take an effort in the right direction to bring up a generation where mental illness is not stigmatized, failures are accompanied with realistic encouragement and positive feedback. Thank you.’

Be kind; it does save lives.

How well is well enough?

I had started this blog site stating that I would talk about what psychological well being meant along with the associated stigma and the causes thereof. So, here goes. Psychological well being refers to an overall positive outlook towards life, which either results from or results in positive relationships with the people around, increased productivity and an overall sense of contentment. I know that I have been inconsistent with the frequency at which I upload my articles but the irony here is that these time gaps have helped me realise the importance of psychological well-being a little more than before. And what I learnt is that psychological well being has a huge impact on creativity and overall productivity.

So, how would you know if the way you feel is well enough? A simple way to figure it out is through introspection and acceptance. Introspection would mean trying to be aware of all the thoughts that come to your head and the emotions that those thoughts evoke. It helps us become more in tune with ourselves. Acceptance simply means accepting these thoughts the way they are without trying to associate positive or negative judgements with them. This results in a sense of overall contentment with your present mental state. However, if you feel uncomfortable while trying to get in tune with the thoughts or if these thoughts overwhelm you, you might want to pay closer attention to them.

More often than not, as we go through life, we don’t take the time to stop and check in with ourselves. Introspection and acceptance are not as easily done as easily as it is said. There are times when intrusive thoughts may get in the way causing us to be more judgemental of ourselves and our actions. It is important to remember that the simplest way to be psychologically healthy is to not be too harsh on ourselves. More often than not we end up blaming the world for the way we treat ourselves which further makes us uncomfortable.

Over the past years, there has been a stigma surrounding mental well-being. Not everyone who is mentally unwell is insane. People tend to base their stigma on ignorance and fear of the unknown. Since the mind and its many complexities have only recently been brought into the academic fields for study and analysis, a lot of the fear arises from the inability to understand. For years, people with psychological disorders have been labelled “crazy” and treated as outcasts which have not only made it difficult for persons with the disorder to live a healthy life but also made them feel guilty for suffering. Today, we’re in the 21st century and stigma around mental health issues still exists in many places that make acknowledging the presence of mental illness and the willingness to seek help seem “weak” or “shameful”.

Just like it is okay for us to be physically unwell from time to time and to go see a doctor when home remedies stop working, it is okay to be mentally unwell and to go see a mental health professional when coping with our mental health problems become a little difficult to deal with on our own. There is no shame in having a mental illness just as there is no shame in having a physical illness. At the same time, it is important to remember that mental health problems are not made up as an act for gaining sympathy or attention in general. These problems are as real as our physical health problems and the good news here is that treatment and help are available to all those who are willing to make use of them.

Be kind; it does save lives.

 

Let’s talk “BOUNDARIES” to bring a change.

This was an essay I had written last year on the 24th of February for a friend who had to talk at an inter-college competition.

The topic: ‘In personal as well as professional life, people face violence in friendship and also in a relationship, but they hesitate to ask for help because the violence they are facing is caused by their close ones. What should they do?‘

(Guidelines for the talk – explain the basic issue, think of possible solutions, talk about the techniques used to spread awareness. )

Essay prepared as flashcard for the talk–

Before we start talking about abuse in relationships, it is important to understand the word “relationship”. “Relationship” does not necessarily imply a sexual relationship between two people. Any two persons who know each other and interact are considered to share a relationship. An individual has multiple relationships that they maintain in their life. For instance, that with their parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, and so on.

At any point if one feels uncomfortable, threatened or harassed in their relationship with another person, it needs close attention. Violence includes not only physical attack but also emotional harassment. According to renowned clinical psychologist Ms Barkha Bajaj, (founder, director and lead trainer of Aks Counselling and Training Agency) who specializes in trauma and family therapy, red flags of violence in a relationship include extreme jealousy, isolating behaviours, controlling tendencies, intimidation and threats, and emotional manipulation which includes making the other feel guilty all the time.

In order to address an issue, it needs to be recognized first. Most people don’t recognize the difference between abuse and minor trifles in relationships. This is a common practice even between friends. People don’t realise where they cross limits and where they exceed their position of control in the relationship.

Causes of violence in any relationship would include trust issues, personality disorders, mental disorders, bad past experiences, urge to express dominance, unawareness regarding the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, and imitations of actions by parents, other family members or television shows and movies.

The basic problem lies in the fact that many people don’t regard this as a problem. Even if they do acknowledge the instability, they do not take action because the person perpetrating violence is a close one. Many people do not take action because they feel that they are the ones at fault, and continuously take the blame even when it is not their fault. There may be the fear of being ostracised by family, friends or the society at large for speaking up against a family member, relative or a friend. Most people who face violence are not in a condition to actively seek help because of the emotional toll it takes on them. They may not be in the physical state to leave the situation. In cases of domestic violence, people may be unable to act thinking about the repercussions it might have on the offsprings. 

There is no one solution to the problem of violence. Depending on the situation and the relation between the two people, different courses of action can be taken.  However, the presence of mind and a little courage is a must. The person facing violence should open up to someone trustworthy and talk about their problem. If the relation between the two people had been cordial before and has recently turned bitter, the victim can try to have an open discussion about it with the partner. If the victim has enough strength, they should leave the scene and ask for help outside the close circle because more often than not, familiar people tend to take sides without knowing the entire situation.

Counselling is available for the victims of violence, and also for the ones carrying out the acts of violence. There are many organizations that work towards reducing violence and abuse, and offer helplines that work 24/7 to provide aid and support to the victims of abuse.

Word of mouth is the most common agent of spreading awareness. However, it is not sufficient.

People do not know how they will react in a particular situation unless they are actually present in it. 

Seminars which involve the active participation of the audience should be conducted. This would force the people attending them to think and come up with quick solutions. Bystanders should also be trained so that they can intervene when such a situation of violence appears in front of them, or so that they can provide help and support to the victims if they are approached for the same.

In a country like India, violence is an everyday affair in almost all walks of life. This does not make it any less harmful. What is wrong, is wrong no matter under what circumstances and by whom it is done. People should talk more openly about the things that bother them and not be scared of “what others would think”.

Awareness about violence should be included in the educational curriculum of all schools so that children learn about hurtful behaviour from a young age and are able to recognise the signs of the same when/if the time comes.

Like all problems, the problem of violence in relationships also has solutions. One can only solve problems when one is aware, and awareness is the first step towards change. 

Solutions are available and continuous relentless efforts are being taken each day to make them easily available for all. 

Like Albus Dumbledore said, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

 

There always is HOPE, one might need only look for it in the right direction!  ^_^

 

 

BE KIND; it does save lives.

 

Why mind the mind?

“How do we know that the mind exists if we can’t see it?” It might sound a bit like the old debate on the existence of God but the fact that the question was even raised is itself a proof of the mind’s existence. The “mind” is nothing but brain activity. From thinking to reasoning, feeling, analysing, each of the tasks is done by none other than the brain (no surprises here).

To answer the aforementioned question, “We can’t see our thoughts but we know we’re thinking, right?” From analysing the given question to thinking about the answer, focusing on the thoughts to finally typing it out, it’s all the mind’s or the brain’s work. Like all parts of our body, our brains have certain functions some that we are conscious of, some that we are not. The conscious aspect of brain activities is termed as the mind.

We have often heard that a healthy mind resides in a healthy body. Keeping this phrase in mind, it can be argued that if something is healthy, it also has the alternative quality of being unhealthy.  

If you agree with the previous statement, I have a situation for you –  You were out in the rain. You come home and sneeze a couple of times but don’t think much about it because you don’t experience any other symptoms of common cold. The next day, you have a running nose and a sore throat. What do you do? You try home remedies like having warm drinks, steam inhalation and so on. The scene skips to when you have a high fever that hasn’t gone down in 3 days and you feel so weak that you can’t do even the simplest of chores. What do you do? You consult a doctor and take the prescribed medicines.

Whatever you do you keep trying to heal yourself. Why? Darwin gave us the answer years ago. You have to stay fit in order to survive. If you’re willing to put in so much effort into maintaining your physical health, then why not take a little effort to keep your mind healthy as well? Like all parts of our body, even our brains are susceptible to diseases and imbalances that can be diagnosed, treated and prevented with care.

The Oxford Dictionary describes mental illness as “a condition which causes serious disorder in a person’s behaviour or thinking.” Mental illness is a very generic term for a large variety of disorders that could affect a person’s psychological well-being.

Now let me give you the second situation – You have had a very bad day at work. You come home and feel sad about it but let it go because it’s not worth the worry. Change in the scene where you’ve been feeling low for a couple of days at a stretch but you know the “home remedies” of how to cheer yourself up. Scene change to a week later when you’re still feeling sad, sometimes blank but you cannot pinpoint on a specific event that has made you feel this way. Things have become so bad that you don’t feel like interacting with anyone, and now you don’t even have the energy to get out of bed and go to work. You’re unable to “snap out of it”. What do you do?

Please go visit your nearest mental health professional. If you don’t know any personally, consult your physician. They will be able to give you more specific information and guidance with regard to whom to contact and how to go about with the treatment. If you know someone who is suffering from a mental illness, please be patient with them. Encourage them to go see a psychologist. Do not disregard their condition as a “cheap act for gaining attention” and ask them to “snap out of it”. If it were that easy, incidents of self-harming and suicides would not have been so common. Trust me, they want to get out of it more than you know. 

 

Be kind; it does save lives.

 





Disclaimer!

I am not a qualified psychologist and, hence, am not certified to suggest treatment but will try my best to put up the most accurate information available. Please contact a mental health professional if you find yourself relating to the experience of symptoms of mental illnesses that I put up on my blogs.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any complaint or suggestion regarding the content of this site. At the same time, feel free to share your stories.

After all, the more we learn, the more we grow!

Why am I doing this?

Ever since I was a child, I wondered why people did what they did.  Growing up, I met and have interacted with a large variety of people, from loud opinionated leaders to shy mysterious fun-lovers, from insensitive bullies to kind, caring friends. I wondered how could people living in the same town, belonging to the same age group, from similar socio-economic backgrounds be so different from each other?

As I started reading more trying to find the answer to my question, I became aware of the things that ticked me and the kind of people that affected me. A simple curiosity paved its path for a trip to self-discovery and I realized that personal experiences play an equally important role in personality development. Unsurprisingly, no two people are exactly the same. There are always these certain specific qualities that make them starkly different from everyone else. Everyone has a unique opinion about everything around them.

So, here come the important questions: will people be ready to believe that mental health is as important as physical health when a century and a half ago, they did not even acknowledge the mind’s existence? Even if one person agrees, will the others have the same opinion? How can one change the world when they can’t even get more than a few people to agree on the same point?

You can say that I’m a little too romantic when I say that movies and books have had a huge impact on how I see life. I love stories in all forms and the one thing that every story has taught me is that if you want something to happen, you have to start taking action. It does not matter who you are, where you are or what you have; if you have an aim and the determination to realize it, you will.  The hope that it will all work out one day makes me keep pushing on.

Going back to those questions, well, they really bothered me for a long long time. Then I thought, how am I to know if I don’t try? A very important person in my life once said to me, “Sreya, if you don’t ask, the answer will always be no.” Even though it is easy to give in to negativity and self-doubt if we really believe in something and are ready to give all it takes to make it come true, one day our efforts will surely pay off.

With this optimism, I start my blog on mental health awareness where I will talk about what is meant by psychological well-being, discuss the stigma around it and the reason for so, point out some tips and tricks to help improve mental health, give explanations of everyday terms that mean more than we know, share stories of people who’ve fought bravely against various mental illnesses, and stress on why being aware is so important.

“Lives of great men all remind us 

We can make our lives sublime, 

And, departing, leave behind us 

Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.”

                                                        -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (A Psalm of Life)

Be kind; it does save lives.